Mind your language? by Deborah Jenkins

 

I find it fascinating the way people in different professions repeatedly use the same words and phrases. Of course, to some extent, this is to be expected. Each area of expertise is involved with different activities around which specialist vocabulary develops. Put simply, it makes communication easier.

But I'm not talking about specialist language actually. My interest is in how people in particular jobs use commonly understood words and phrases again and again. As a teacher, I sometimes annoy myself doing this. So why do I do it? I guess it's because a) it's easier b) time is always of the essence  b) we all like buzz words c) without realising it, we tend to imitate the people we spend lots of time with. 

I was walking home from school the other day thinking how funny it would be if, for one day, we all used the language of another profession. So I thought I'd have a go at 'mixing metiers' to see what happens. I had a lot of fun with this and the results are below. I'm sure you'll easily spot who is really writing the letters...

Dear Deborah,

I wanted to put into writing the verbal warning I (repeatedly) gave you last night between 9.58 and 10.15pm at The Rose and Crown, Fletchfield. I don't make the rules and I may not always agree with them, but it is my job to enforce them. Closing time is a non-negotiable. 

I would also like to flag up the dangers of rocking on your chair. I once knew someone who was a (punk) rocker and one day she fell over backwards and had to spend the REST OF HER LIFE in a wheelchair. Don't do it. It's not big and it's not clever. 

We try to engage our drinkers and make pub visits fun but will not continue to do so if people take advantage. On the next occasion you flout closing time, I will just stand and wait. It's your own time you're wasting. 

Yours sincerely,

Si De Madd

Landlord, The Rose and Crown, Fletchfield

Dear Deborah,

Thank you for returning your socks to the Marks and Spencer on-line refund department. Before issuing your refund, I'm afraid we will need to run some tests to monitor their vital signs. You can phone in for the results after 2pm and before 3pm on the third Friday of the month (excluding leap years).

In the meantime, I'm going to prescribe possible alternatives. If you'd like to pop your foot on the keyboard in line with the on-screen code, we'll take a photo to determine the shape and size of it. As this may be a little uncomfortable, we advise people to look away while the photo is taken. 

To help us select socks of the utmost comfort and support, hand picked for your feet, please advise us of any allergies or existing conditions.

Helping you spend it well,

B A Fraid

Marks and Spencer's Refund Clinician 

Dear Deborah,

Thank you for giving us the opportunity to consider your car for an MOT but we are sorry to say it's not suitable for our list. Although you've clearly done some admirable clutch work and have an engaging range of electrical components, I did not feel passionate enough about the colour to take it on.

In the current tough market, you need a mechanic who will be an absolute champion of you and your engine and I regret to say I didn't feel this strongly about it.

Due to the high volume of MOT applications, I'm afraid we cannot give you more detailed feedback. However, our business is a subjective one and another garage may feel differently.

We are sorry to disappoint and wish you success with your MOT elsewhere.

With best wishes,

Camel Towing Garage, Dover

Dear Deborah,

Further to our conversation last night about a refund for your gym membership, I would just like to reiterate a few things, in writing.

The fact of the matter is, no one can expect to have a 'new body' in just under two weeks. Let me be absolutely clear: you have not yet taken on board the range of proposals designed to make a significant impact on your body mass index. It's not a quick fix. These things take time.

May I also point out that we are putting in more money, in real terms, than any other gym in the area. This is because we want to see a wide range of options, across the board, made available to support our members. We can already see a significant impact, for example, after removing the cafe and the chocolate machine. I should point out that we have a number of replacement services in the pipeline, such as free drinking water and a celery fountain.

Our message is very clear: tackle the real issue and take advantage of any window of opportunity that is robust and fit for purpose.  Let me, at this stage, be absolutely open and honest: You need to actually come to the gym.

Yours sincerely,

Tobe Strong

Personal Trainer 

Shytown Fitness

So there you have it! A bit of silliness, but maybe there is a serious point here. Our use of language is important and however understandable it might be, we can become boring and even irritating when we say the same things as everyone else, over and over again. Words begin to lose their meaning. Perhaps we should mind our language and take the time to be a bit more creative with our spoken, as well as our written, words and give our listeners a welcome change. 

I'm going to try it at school. Watch this space...

What overused words and phrases grate on you?

Click on the link to see the novella on amazon

Deborah Jenkins is a primary school teacher and freelance writer who has written articles, text books, devotional notes and short stories. She writes regularly for the tes. She has also completed a novella, The Evenness of Things, available as an Amazon e-book. She is currently seeking a publisher for her recently finished novel, Braver. Deborah loves hats, trees and small children. After years overseas with her family, who are now grown up, she lives in Sussex with her husband, a Baptist minister, and a cat called Oliver