Change

My children dislike change immensely. A big change is almost better than a subtle one, it seems. Like us going to see the ballet last December. Same venue as the year before, same time, almost same seats. Different music, different costumes, different ballet... So we ended up in Meltdown City. (What had I been thinking?!)

I like change, I’m sure of that. A new year starts with new notebooks and planners ready for January. Just looking at the blank, pristine pages helps me to feel I’m a writer, and I live in hope that those wonderful opportunities will somehow turn me into a word smith. (No, I don’t hold out any hope for doing crosswords, I can’t even do them in Dutch, let alone in English!) Maybe the newness of the pages will help me to spell necessary without trouble, or remember if it’s apartment or appreciate that has the double p.

The year spreading ahead of me, marked out in my wonderful new planners and notebooks, Reading Challenge accepted with even some titles pencilled in already... Yes, I love change. Until by the end of the month I realise that really it’s same old, same old. New notebooks don’t change who I am, they don’t turn me into a writer. My planners are great, apart from when things don’t go according to plan.

And sometimes I have to admit that I dislike change even more than my children do. Last Friday I was at the funeral of someone I held very, very dear. I miss him, and the fact he is no longer with us is a change that hurts so much. It reminded me of other friends and family who have died, and each time it reminds me how much I hate change. You see, I can tell myself that life is wonderful, this earth is incredible, until reality hits. It’s a sin-sick world, and life is often full of sorrow and loss. Even my four amazing children prove that to me. Adoption is amazing, but it’s a story of grief, loss and trauma at the same time.

Rather than have a meltdown myself, I reminded myself that maybe we’re not made for change. Maybe the changing scenes are to point us to the Lord, the One who promised that yesterday, today and forever Jesus is the same. He is the One that has always been there, will always be there too. Maybe my longing for change, the disappointment when by this time of the month I realise that really this January is in many ways the same as previous Januaries....

• Maybe it is all to remind me that my heart should find rest in God, rather than in new notebooks, planners, writing projects and resolutions. Maybe my Bible is the best planner I have after all! As Augustine said, “Thou hast made us for Thyself, O Lord, and our heart is restless till it finds rest in Thee.”

(I still love my notebooks though, and by the end of this first month I’m still thinking of ways to use them...I might even need a new one, as it’s my birthday in a few days!)