The Daunting Detail of an Author’s Approval Addiction

As authors, we’re told that nothing is more important, these days, than having a platform. Indeed, I read recently that, no matter how well written your book may be, publishers are unlikely to offer you a contract unless you have a foot in the door of marketing. Which reminds me of two – nearly three - conversations I had yesterday.

UNHEARD?

When it comes to speaking out, or seeking attention, there can be little more debilitating circumstances than sitting in the dentist’s chair, with your mouth wide open to accommodate the drill or other instruments.

‘Ouch’ was my response, when the hygienist leant her magnifying mirror too heavily against my gum. But no sound came out.

UNSEEN?

Conversation in the waiting room, when my husband went for his treatment, was considerably less muted. We were three women: the receptionist, myself and a middle-aged woman who had brought her step-mother for treatment. The subject under discussion was the matter of old age.

‘My step-mother and mother-in-law tell me they hate getting old,’ said the long-haired blonde, fluttering her false eyelashes and fiddling with the frayed splits in her jeans. ‘They say no one ever listens to them. I tell them I’ll look after them, but they say they feel as if no one notices them.’

‘Invisible?’ I interjected.

‘That’s the word!’ both receptionist and client exclaimed.

APPROVAL ADDICTION?

Returning home, I rang my daughter who has newly moved to Surrey. Rector of a large church, she told me she loved her new job but, as an introvert, was finding it exhausting having to get to know so many new people all at once.

‘Like it or not, I’m going to carve out some ‘Me’ time,’ she said. ‘I’m long since done with approval addiction.’

STRUTTING LIKE A PEACOCK? BEGGING LIKE A DOG?

Approval addiction! Isn’t that exactly what we, as authors, have to adhere to? We can’t afford to be unheard or unseen. First there’s the approval we need to seek from an agent or publisher. And how do we do it? Why, by putting forth a proposal conveying the idea that Iknow what the market requires and that mybook meets those requirements. Or that Iam an authority on what I’ve written.

Then comes the editorial stage when, seeking approval, we may feel unable to say ‘No’ to the changes suggested; or we feel we have to agree with something with which we actually disagree. Once published, or perhaps even before, we then have to coax complimentary reviews from readers. And how do we do that? Sometimes, it has to be said, by posting provocative bad news on social media to create an audience. Perhaps, even, by paying insincere compliments to our followers? Or by behaving in a non-conformist manner, perhaps by emulating someone we admire? All of which is cited as the behaviour of Approval Addicts.

DON’T DOUBT: COUNTER THE CACTUS

So what’s the answer if seeking the necessary approval makes us feel uncomfortable? Do we simply flinch and remain silent as I had to at the dentist? Do we accept that we’re invisible and give up altogether? Not at all!

‘Being negative only makes a difficult journey more difficult. You may be given a cactus, but you don’t have to sit on it,’ writes Joyce Meyer in her book Approval Addiction.

The cactus, here, is the sense of self-reproach which the Enemy encourages in us if we feel we’re becoming too pushy. But the fact is that Jesus never defended himself, no matter what accusations were used against him. If we’re to emulate anyone it should be him in those times of doubt. If we know that writing is our God-given gift, then we have no need to defer to the guilt that so often attaches itself to the amount of time we spend sitting in front of a computer. ‘I should be doing . . . I need to see . . . I ought to be going . . .’ are the lies the Enemy loves to feed to us.

What does God say to counter that? ‘Get yourself ready! Stand up and say to them whatever I command you.’ Jeremiah 1:17 And in Acts 18:10 ‘Do not be afraid, but go on speaking and do not be silent, for I am with you.’

Don’t give up! ‘The world is never the same once a good poem has been added to it,’ says Dylan Thomas.

The same is true of what you have to say! Remember: ‘A real book is not one that’s read, but one that reads us.’ W.H. Auden

A multi-published author since 1983, with commissions from Hodder & Stoughton plus a Sunday TimesNo. 4 Bestseller, Mel Menzies has written under several noms-de-plume.  An inspirational speaker with a lifetime of rich and painful experiences to draw on, she lives in Devon.  Through her website and blog, An Author’s Look at Life www.melmenzies.co.uk, she offers resources to inform, inspire and encourage in all walks of life.

Merrilyn Williams writing as Mel Menzies

Author & Speaker

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