What next Lord? A reflection by Joseph

 Well, here we are, two days on from all the trauma and panic of Marty going into labour when we were on the road and had absolutely nowhere to stay.  I'd felt my inadequacy then, I can tell you.  I Joseph who was famed for my calm ability to think things through and come to a wise conclusion, was now suddenly staring into the abyss of helplessness.  Calmly thinking things through just wouldn't cut it.  Was Mary going to die out in the streets? And what would it be that she gave birth to?  Would it even look human?  Sometimes I even found myself wondering if my whole encounter with the angel and the reassurance he gave that this was of God, was actually a hallucination?  Fear would rise up, the sheer loneliness of our situation would overwhelm me.  Several I'd been trembling on the very brink yet each time something pulled me back.  And as I'd agonised and wrestled, I'd heard that whisper deep deep inside.  'Joseph, don't be afraid, trust me.  Trust me.'  And somehow each time, I'd found myself crying from my heart, a silent cry, 'Yes Lord, I trust, please help me,'

And miraculously help had come, the place in the stable, the least likely space for my Mary to give birth.  But she did.  And it was agony, and yet and yet, so beautiful.  She was exhauster and so was I.  But so overwhelmed with wonder. I held him in my arms, his eyes opened and he looked straight at me and I knew that he knew.  He was communicating, I know it, mad as it sounds.  All the doubts, terror and confusion melted away in that moment.  

And now a settling has come to me.  I don't know what to do next.  I STILL can't rely on my calm logic.  I STILL don't know how to be all I need to be.  A strong husband, My wife's protector and provider.  A father to this precious son that God has entrusted into my care.  I STILL feel overwhelmed.

And yet, and yet, as I gaze into Jesus face, I realise that's all I need to do.  Let go of my calm logic.  That's not needed now.  I nned to gaze, to rest in God.  To be like those sheep who stand so still, so at peace, gazing, knowing, worshipping!

What's next?  I do not know, but He knows.  He will guide.  Step by step He will help me.  I can rest and look, rest and listen, rest and know, rest and act.

Thank you, almighty God of wonder and peace.

Tracy Williamson