Giving God Space – by Eileen Padmore

 What do we mean when we say we need more space?  I have been telling myself for years that I’ll write when I get more of it: when I can arrange for others to have less demand on my time, when I can settle my conscience around doing  ‘nothing’, when I can allow myself to stand, stare, reflect, feel, listen.

Susanna Wesley, mother of Charles and John, had nineteen children, ten of whom died. Beset by poverty, with a preacher husband who couldn’t manage money and even spent time in a debtor’s prison, she would signal her need for 'space' by putting her apron over her head whilst she prayed.  One result of her God attuned life was the upbringing of two sons who spearheaded a revival that changed the course of history.

So why do I persist in making excuses about finding the right conditions? 

Recently, during a time of personal reflection with my local christian community, we were given an empty red road sign triangle as an aid to considering what work God might wish to do in our lives.  Did he want to help us dig things up, smooth down bumpy surfaces, warn us of obstacles ahead, slow us down, speed us up ……?

But unexpectedly, the space of the empty triangle appealed most.  A blank page without instructions, rules, boundaries.  More than that, it was the place where I could meet with God and where – could I dare to hope – he might want to meet with me?  No preconditions, no psycho-generated feelings of holiness (he could see straight through those anyway) and no pretence.

What I longed for was what I had been at pains to avoid.  I had made an art form of cluttering that precious empty space with  busyness and distraction.  In Ignatian terms, I was facing the wrong direction – going for short term fixes that led to desolation.  In recovery from intensive elderly care duties, perhaps I was trying to avoid the painful emptiness left by not being so needed, scheduled, purposeful.  Could it be that consolation was only to be found through turning around to face the pain of loss in that empty space.

Why would I not want to do that, I asked myself?  

Could I summon the courage to step into what felt like the abyss?  Better sort yourself out first, a voice whispered. There were things about me that I might camouflage from others but not from Him. 

The classic lie of the fallen one – that it is possible to find a remedy within! I had to turn to face the suffering and pain in that black hole, trusting that God was there for me.  

Henri Nouwen, well acquainted with that place of ‘fearful solitude’, warns against the temptation to swap it for busyness. We do this in an attempt to reassure ourselves that we are ‘somebody.’  But a sense of true worth can only be found in God’s eternal love for us – not through other people’s responses.

 

Eileen Padmore has retired from a life spent in health care and academia, having worked in Sierra Leone, Zambia, Eire and Northern Ireland (in the troubles) as well as inner city Birmingham and Leeds.  She has had articles published in Woman Alive, Christian Writer and contributed to the popular ACW Lent Book.  Last November she claimed NaNo 2018 winner at first attempt.  Married to a professional musician, the family includes a feisty springer spaniel and a large African tortoise.