Refuting that old enemy - imposter syndrome again by Tracy Williamson

My friend's lovely Guide dog, Arlo, has been struggling with a nasty syndrome that caused his eyes to droop and the muscles in his face to waste away. He chokes a lot too which is very worrying.  He seems to improve and then there is a sudden flare up of symptoms.  We are finding we are always on edge wondering if he is ok.  

This up and down nature of physical syndromes is very typical of another syndrome that many, if not all of us writers contend with.  Our old nemesis, imposter syndrome.  Quite a few have blogged about it already, so why am I bringing it up again?  I believe it's an area we always need God's fresh encouragement about.  Like Arlo, the symptoms can seem to improve to such a degree that we think we're healed and then something we read or hear triggers

that little lie in our hearts, 'You're the odd one out, you don't match up.  You're a fraud!' 

When that lie comes into my heart it seems so very real!  I feel like that apple in the line up of pears trying desperately to prove I'm a pear.  But my shape is different, my taste is different, my skin is different.  I cannot be a pear because I'm an apple.  But does that make me lesser? Or a fraud?  Of course not, because apples and pears are both fruits and what they both offer is their own beautiful sweetness, juice and taste to any dessert or meal.  

Instead of feeling shame that I'm not a pear and anxiety that as an apple I'm an imposter, I need to be rejoicing that God has put within me the gift of being a unique and delicious fruit.  And that is true for us all.  

What triggers us and causes those imposter symptoms to well up?  All sorts of things do it with me.  Recently at a funeral someone said to me, 'I hear you are a writer, Tracy, what do you write?'  As I replied, 'Oh its writing of a Christian nature, devotionals, blogs, books to encourage people in their faith....' I could see the interest draining away from their expression.  I could almost hear the unspoken response, 'oh that's not proper writing!'  I found myself hastily saying, 'But I hope to write a novel soon!'  I realised I was saying that because I thought they might then respect me more if I'm writing a novel than I felt they did as a devotional writer.  But why should that even matter even if true?  But sometimes, even in our group, if I hear that someone is bringing out a new novel I feel a little niggle of fear underlying my genuine happiness for them, the sense that 'they are the proper writers, I'm the imposter, the one pretending to be part of things when obviously I'm not.' 

A huge symptom of imposter syndrome is the feeling that everyone else seems to be of a similar calibre while I am different.  I am the odd one out.  They are all in red while I am in blue.  They are all gazing ahead and following their vision while I am looking off to the side trying to discover what my vision is.  But why do I even listen to that lie that I need to match others to be accepted?  If God wanted everything to be consistent and matching why did He make every snowflake unique and every fingerprint that there could ever be totally different?  Why are some birds as small as the palm of your hand and others as large as a man?  Why the huge variety of colours, shapes and types in all of creation?  And why did David say in an explosion of unrestrained joy 'I praise you, because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  Your works are wonderful, I know that full well!'  (Psalm 139)

What I love about Jesus is that He always saw and connected to the person before Him.  It didn't matter if they were messed up, if they'd made terrible mistakes or were high ranking leaders.  They all mattered.  None were imposters.  All were there because God was at work in a unique way in each of their lives.  I'm beginning to grasp that He is the same with me and all of us.  We are all His number one.  We don't have to be or look like anyone else but we do need to look to Him and see His smile of joy as He gazes at us and hear Him saying to us 'I've made you to be so full of unique colour and shape.  Nothing can reveal my fingerprint in just the way you can.'

Like David I want to choose to praise the Lord for all He's made me to be and seek to live that (and write it) to the full.  Its only then that my fruit will be full of the sweetness and nourishment that God intended when He made me.  If I live as an imposter my fruit will be growing out of the wrong seed and will always snag the earth when its destiny is to reach high to the sun.

You and I are fearfully and wonderfully made.  His work in us all is wonderful.  

May we know that full well. 

Tracy Williamson is a writer and speaker working for MBM Trust.  www.mbm-ministries.org Tracy has written several devotional and teaching books, the latest called Unashamed, published in 2023.