Journal by Trevor Thorn

Try as I might, I still find it hard to empty my mind of all of those concerns that continually bounce around when I try to be quiet with God. I am too much of an activist, I think.

So, some long time ago, I followed a suggestion that a prayer journal might help. If, it was suggested I wrote down my thoughts, I would stay more focused on what I wanted to take to God that morning: and hopefully also be more open to what God wanted of me.

My intention at the outset was that it would be an everyday activity during my morning quiet time. That remains my intention, but even a quick flick through the pages reveals at least a few days, and sometimes more, in every month when I haven’t lived up to my own ‘ambition'.

Thankfully, I firmly believe that God will be tolerant of this - even if he shares in my disappointment, which is sometimes virulent enough to make me wonder if it is worth carrying on. Then comes the ‘Will I listen to the whisperer who says it really isn’t worth it at all!’

When that happens, there is, again thankfully, an antidote which I’ve come to discover over time. I turn back to those past journal pages where the corner is turned down and a few lines marked. Those signify the moments where an idea has occurred during my sometimes almost incoherent jottings, which I think at the time of writing I might want to explore later. From those which puzzle me as to why I have marked them at all, through those which spark no more than they did earlier, to the surprise moment when I think,
‘Wow! This is extraordinary? It somehow demands to be thought through’.
Sometimes then a poem is born. Then after the poem - a wave of thankfulness for the balm of a creative idea amidst the dryness.

I cannot imagine mine is a unique experience but I am grateful for it: I am grateful to have been brought back to the idea and I am grateful for whatever the genesis of the idea was. In some of those reflections I can see that the threads from which this idea derived were woven way, way back in my life history. In those moments, I can find myself marvelling at incidents that are best explained, in my view, as the astonishing work of the Holy Spirit, preparing, guiding, drawing events together and speaking into the retrospect of a half-formed idea. What grace!

Journalling will not work for everyone, and some will, I suspect, regard it as a very poor substitute for active listening. But for this activist, it is unquestionably a gift from God, and if just one person reads this and finds similar patterns in their prayer life, I will be glad.