Is living with an identity crisis a writer’s natural state? by Elaine Langford

 

 My previous blog posts have hinted at my existential dilemma relating to my unexpected autism diagnosis at 58 while waiting for an ADHD assessment. Positively, it explained why I found it impossible to sit on one side of the introvert/extrovert debate. My real conflict was a recent shift of balance due to the lack of energy from an auto-immune form of arthritis. Without that energy, I was unable to satisfy the extroverted ADHD side of myself, which inadvertently curtailed many of my activities that brought me joy. Instead, I was left with my introverted autistic self in a lack-lustre recovery mode. 

After a long period of flailing myself with the refrain, “Will the real ‘me’ stand up?”, I had a revelation this week. I’ve been dipping into the reflections in ‘40 days with Labyrinths’ by Fay Rowland. In her chapter on Martha and Mary, their two approaches to Jesus’ visit were laid out: Martha chose to run around and make sure everyone else had what they needed to enjoy this encounter with Jesus while Mary chose to sit at Jesus’s feet and listen. Although Jesus’ response in Luke 10:38-42 suggests that Mary’s actions were better, Fay Rowland presents both as valid. She illustrates this using the labyrinth below. I’ve coloured in each thread to highlight that although there are two parts they make up one image. This activity helped me to see the ‘me’ I was looking for was made up of both my autistic and ADHD characteristics.

 

 As writers, we often question if we should call ourselves ‘a writer’, especially when we find it hard to write. We may even question what sort of writer we are, if we write different genres or for different types of audience. I’ve always wanted to be a prolific poet, but there are times when my poetic muse is silent. At these times, I often find flash fiction or short stories easy to write but I don’t want to ‘waste my time’ on those activities when my heart is in poetry. Just like my ADHD and autism dilemma, I’m too focussed on one version of ‘me’, when I am made up of many threads, like a tapestry, and some, or just one, of these threads may may appear brighter than the others at times.

In my frustration of not being as active in life or in my writing as I’d like, sitting down to read or listen to what others are doing can be just as valid an activity. Sitting with God in prayer about it is also helpful. 

It can be in those times that we notice that we have changed or maybe there are things we need to do differently. We can’t escape the fact life changes us so maybe I need not to ask, “Will the real ‘me’ stand up?”, but will I sit down and embrace the ‘me’ I am now?

What dilemmas have you faced, or are facing, and how do you deal with them?