A Handy Time Saving Device by Fran Hill

Thank you Fran for stepping in and providing this fun post. 

I’ve toyed with an idea for years. Why not abridge fairy tales for very busy parents who’d rather not, when it comes to the bedtime story, trawl through seventeen pages of abandoned children endlessly roaming through forests or heroines trying out every chair and bed in the house? After all, there’s Eastenders to watch and perhaps something tasty in the slow cooker.

I’ve even pitched the idea to humour book publishers and had what we writers call an encouraging response, AKA ‘We liked it very much, but no, not now.’

I’ll pass them to you, then. Here are some examples. Feel free, if you are a parent or grandparent on story-time duty, to use the tales on those time-pressured evenings when you need a story with a beginning, a middle and an end, but you also need to get downstairs again as fast as possible.

Red Riding Hood Stays Home
Once upon a time, Red Riding Hood’s mother said, ‘Will you take some cakes to Grandma?’ ‘Of course, Mother,’ said Red, dutifully. However, when Mother looked in the cupboard, she was very surprised to find she was clean out of flour! ‘Another time, Mother,’ Red said, lounging on her bed, her pillow much, much higher than usual.

The Three Little Pigs Get a Surprise Lunch
Once upon a time, three little pigs made their mother pack knapsacks. Then they left home to pursue their fortunes, despite Mummy Pig’s distressed and anguished squeals as they departed. ‘Take no notice,’ said Pig One, who’d always lacked empathy. At lunchtime, the pigs opened their knapsacks. ‘Hey!’ they all cried. ‘Who packed sausage rolls and mini pork pies in here?’

The Three Bears Plus One

Once upon a time, there were four bears: Daddy Bear, Mummy Bear, Baby Bear, and Paddington Bear, who had got lost. ‘Apologies,’ said Paddington, ‘but would you mind awfully if I ate the marmalade sandwich I have in my hat rather than this porridge?’ Daddy Bear and Baby Bear exchanged delighted glances. At last! An ally!

Hansel and Gretel and the Disappointed Witch
Once upon a time, two children were abandoned in a forest by their wicked stepmother. They came upon a witch, sobbing by a tiny collection of gingerbread, Jelly Babies and Liquorice Allsorts. ‘Why, oh why,’ she was crying, ‘did Bake-Off have to have a Hansel and Gretel week? Didn’t they realise the nation’s cooks would clear the supermarket shelves?’ The wicked stepmother was surprised, to say the least, when the children returned with a homeless witch in tow.

Why so Many Words