When it's Not a Merry Christmas.

Christmas is full of cheer - that's what people say. But for some of us, Christmas is hard, and knowing that Jesus came to earth for us is not enough to raise joy in our suffering. Whilst some More Than Writers readers are enjoying mince pies, mulled wine and family, others will be feeling forgotten by God and unable to lift themselves out of the pit enough to Hark the Herald Angels or See Amid the Winter's Snow.

This time last year I was not even remotely merry - I was in the midst of an episode of severe depression which felt like it had been there forever and would never stop. So I prayed a prayer, and God spoke words into my pen (a miracle in itself). To some people it will seem overly schmaltzy (I'm no poet), and the theology might be a bit iffy, but I felt called to share it, and hope and pray that it will speak to someone.

The Prayer:

"Lord, show me why I can't grasp your love for me."

The Answer:

"You don't think you're worth it.
But love is not about worth -
Love is about desire.
Things that are worth a lot in the world don't draw my desire and love.
Things in the world are just things -
You are so much more.

You are a bundle of fibres that I knitted into a beautiful sweater, 
one that I wear and inhabit.
I don't love you despite your failings and shortcomings;
I don't love you because of them;
I don't love you with a wish to change them.
I just love you.
I love you I love you I love you.

I only yearn to change you so that you can see my love for you.
So you can experience it;
So you can know it's authentic;
So you can believe it;
So you can live it.

Love and worth are not connected.
You want to connect them because you are afraid of being loved.
Afraid you might be discovered.
Afraid of not being able to love me back.
Afraid of letting go.
Afraid of being you.

But guess what? I know all that!
I made you!
I designed you!
I live in you! Or at least in the bits you let me...

Stop trying to love, and just love.
Stop trying to be loved, just be loved.

I know you're scared.
Scared of failing, scared of falling,
Scared of not living up to a standard.

Let me in.
I won't change you until you want me to,
I won't transform you until you are ready.
I won't take away your 'you-ness' - 
I love your you-ness!
I made your you-ness!
I want to make you more you - and more you is more me...

You were made to be like me -
To love like me
To laugh like me
To grieve like me
To sacrifice like me.

Stop trying to understand.
Stop trying to believe it's possible.
Stop trying to make sense of it.
Stop trying to be something you aren't,
Stop trying to run before you can walk.
Stop trying,
Just love
And be loved.

I love you.
I love you.
I love you,
I love you,
I love you
I love you.
I love you."




Abbie has been writing ever since she could hold a pencil. She wrote a memoir, Secret Scars, (Authentic, 2007), and later, Insight Into Self-Harm (CWR, 2014). She founded and directs Adullam Ministries, an information and resource website and forum about self-harm and related issues. She blogs at Pink and Blue Mummyland and tweets as @AbbieRobson and @AdullamSelfHarm. She lives in Rugby with husband John, children Amelia and Seth, and two cats who still haven't learned that they don't run the house.