Thinking About Awards by Tracy Williamson

This is rather a ramble of thoughts and feelings.....

I've found myself reflecting recently about awards (or the lack of.) The joy and sense of validation that must come from being considered worthy of an award for one's work.  The motivation to keep on writing.  The sense of YES! 

On browsing through the ACW feed I'm always thrilled to share the joy of those who have won awards or been shortlisted.  Whether it's the ACW awards, winning writing competitions, reaching shortlists, or receiving wonderful opportunities and accreditations, it's fabulous to celebrate what's been achieved. Having read many of the works of ACW members I know those awards are so merited.  There's some incredible writing talent in our group and if I were with you I'd be cheering you and opening the champagne! 

But the silly thing is, I don't even know how awards come about! Do so many nominations come in for a particular work or author that they push that person up the scale of recognition? Do those in awards leadership just happen to spot likely works?  Or do writers submit their own works?  I am ignorant of the processes of becoming a bestseller and am not actually looking for that as I don't honestly feel I could ever be that good a writer.  

But, daring to share honestly here,  I feel a bit sad.  Just a little bit, well sometimes quite a bit.  Not sad about those who have been awarded because I'm genuinely delighted for them.  Not sad because its been made public because of course it should be public.  That's why we are all part of ACW, to be a community, rejoicing with those who rejoice and weeping with those who weep.  It's vital that we all feel free to celebrate when something wonderful happens.  

But I do feel a sadness for myself.  And I realise it's because I've never in my life won an award or been shortlisted either for my writing or anything else. I've never come close to winning any competition or any kind of prize ever. 

Does that matter?

Well no, it shouldn't matter surely, as I know that writing, especially writing as a Christian is its own reward.  God is my reason and my enabling.  I couldn't do it without Him and I know He is delighted when I use that gift that He wove into my life when He formed me in the secret place.  It was He who gave me my love for words and the longing to express the deep workings of my heart in ways that others can gel with.  He is my greatest encourager and has enabled me to take steps both in writing and in my life that I would never have thought possible.  I know that, I love that.  But somehow, I must admit, there is this sadness and kind of longing to at least have the experience of being picked out for a shortlist or for my books to have that recognition in their field, of being a personal achievement or touching their readers in a special way.  

I suppose deep down, the question that lurks inside is 'Does never achieving an award or shortlist mean that I am lacking?  Am I less of a person or writer?' And I see this is my heart cry, my deepest fear. 

And I must acknowledge that fear, even while knowing in my head that of course it doesn't mean I am lacking.  Because it's only as I acknowledge it, that true healing can come. 

But the quandary too is that I don't want to write in order to earn an award, that's the wrong motivation!  I want to write because I love writing and I love God.  And if I did win an award would I then be thinking 'I've made it!'  when in fact God wants us all to keep pressing on, persevering, honing, learning, sharing and expressing?

I think the sadness is really just my longing to experience a sense of celebration and recognition.  As we all know, writing can be a very lonely business, the hours spent researching, planning, opting out of social events, writing pages all day only to delete them in a second. . .Then the joy of a page finished, a chapter concluded, a book submitted, a poem rounded off, a blog sent out.  Its all as wonderful as it's invisible so the heart of it, for me at least, is a longing to feel that 'my work has been seen. It was worth it' 

I know I'm not alone. Many, many of us are in that same place and whether we've had the human experience of receiving an award or not, I sense He is saying to us all, 'Well done, my beloved child.  Well done for pushing through, for being true to your heart, for obeying those nudges deep within, for giving your imagination free reign, for trusting me and trusting in what I've made you to be. For believing you've got something worth saying and pushing on even when misunderstood. Keep persevering, keep creating beauty, joy and challenge through your words. I love you, I am proud of you.  I believe in you because I've made you to be my channel.  I am always with you and will never stop rejoicing over you. Receive my love and joy in you and keep that as your focus.'

Yes Lord, Amen. 

Tracy Williamson