Imagine you're in a room full of people chatting... by SC Skillman
Imagine you're in a room full of people chatting, laughing and saying witty things to each other, all of them in huddles.
You feel everyone is cleverer than you and more confident than you. You're holding back, listening, shy. You're overawed by those around you, who all give the impression they're terribly confident, fun, popular.
That was me, holding back and listening and feeling overwhelmed - all through my childhood, at school, at university, in the workplace, at parties and social gatherings.
At university I went to see my personal tutor, and shared my feelings with him. During our conversation, he said something I've never forgotten.
"In this life, you will find, by and large, that most people take you at Your Own Valuation of Yourself."
(Although, to be quite honest, I can think of several cases of people of whom this is not true, for instance, certain political leaders whom we currently see causing alarm and despondency in the world).
However, back to my original thesis: since then, the shy, diffident girl who always hung back, who felt like an outsider, and listened instead of joining in, started writing down the conversations she heard, the account people give of themselves for the benefit of others, the account that totally belies what may be going on in their hearts.
A daily journal is a wonderful vehicle for this. I wrote mine from ages 15 to 25 and I believe it gave me more control over my life. I only stopped because I started writing novels instead.
This is probably what made me want to be a writer - the compulsion and the need to write about the gap between what we appear to be and who we truly are.
This to me is the very stuff of fiction. Only within the pages of a novel can we truly explore this.
Both my two published novels have this at their core: dangerous group dynamics, and a charismatic, controlling personality.
I love books, plays and films centred upon these themes: the film Peter's Friends directed by and starring Kenneth Branagh; Noel Coward's play Hay Fever and George Bernard Shaw's play Heartbreak House, and novels such as Cold Comfort Farm by Stella Gibbon. All either explore this issue or touch upon the complexity of mental health issues.
Later I had the opportunity to work with local community mental health teams in Leamington Spa, and often chatted to mental health clients; this increased my awareness too.
My two published novels Mystical Circles and A Passionate Spirit tell of a dysfunctional group of disparate personalities all drawn together in a common cause (or what they believe to be a common cause): to reach their idea of spiritual truth and the answer to Life, the Universe and Everything. They are all attracted to one (apparently) charismatic figure who convinces them he/she can deliver this to them.
All of them wear different masks, and these vulnerable characters are a composite of myself and of many different people I have known - both how they appear to be and how I imagine them to be, behind that façade.
Of course, we never can fully know what is going on in the hearts of other people, in the real world. But within the pages of great fiction, we can come much closer to it, awakening greater discernment and understanding and insights, which we can take into our lives, hopefully for the enrichment of all.
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| People socialising at a cocktail party |
You feel everyone is cleverer than you and more confident than you. You're holding back, listening, shy. You're overawed by those around you, who all give the impression they're terribly confident, fun, popular.
That was me, holding back and listening and feeling overwhelmed - all through my childhood, at school, at university, in the workplace, at parties and social gatherings.
At university I went to see my personal tutor, and shared my feelings with him. During our conversation, he said something I've never forgotten.
"In this life, you will find, by and large, that most people take you at Your Own Valuation of Yourself."
(Although, to be quite honest, I can think of several cases of people of whom this is not true, for instance, certain political leaders whom we currently see causing alarm and despondency in the world).
However, back to my original thesis: since then, the shy, diffident girl who always hung back, who felt like an outsider, and listened instead of joining in, started writing down the conversations she heard, the account people give of themselves for the benefit of others, the account that totally belies what may be going on in their hearts.
A daily journal is a wonderful vehicle for this. I wrote mine from ages 15 to 25 and I believe it gave me more control over my life. I only stopped because I started writing novels instead.
This is probably what made me want to be a writer - the compulsion and the need to write about the gap between what we appear to be and who we truly are.
This to me is the very stuff of fiction. Only within the pages of a novel can we truly explore this.
Both my two published novels have this at their core: dangerous group dynamics, and a charismatic, controlling personality.
I love books, plays and films centred upon these themes: the film Peter's Friends directed by and starring Kenneth Branagh; Noel Coward's play Hay Fever and George Bernard Shaw's play Heartbreak House, and novels such as Cold Comfort Farm by Stella Gibbon. All either explore this issue or touch upon the complexity of mental health issues.
Later I had the opportunity to work with local community mental health teams in Leamington Spa, and often chatted to mental health clients; this increased my awareness too.
My two published novels Mystical Circles and A Passionate Spirit tell of a dysfunctional group of disparate personalities all drawn together in a common cause (or what they believe to be a common cause): to reach their idea of spiritual truth and the answer to Life, the Universe and Everything. They are all attracted to one (apparently) charismatic figure who convinces them he/she can deliver this to them.
All of them wear different masks, and these vulnerable characters are a composite of myself and of many different people I have known - both how they appear to be and how I imagine them to be, behind that façade.
Of course, we never can fully know what is going on in the hearts of other people, in the real world. But within the pages of great fiction, we can come much closer to it, awakening greater discernment and understanding and insights, which we can take into our lives, hopefully for the enrichment of all.
SC Skillman
psychological, mystery, paranormal
fiction and non-fiction.
My new book Paranormal Warwickshire
will be published by Amberley Publishing
on 15th November 2020 and is available
to pre-order now.
Fascinating reading, Sheila. I found the character studies in 'Normal People' interesting from this point of view as the two characters, Marianne and Connell, looked out at the world from their similar internal perspectives.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your comment Sheila. I haven't read 'Normal People' but it sounds good (I looked it up). I'm always interested in the theme of people appearing to be 'oddballs' and then later we learn what is really going on for them. That is probably why 'Eleanor Oliphant' is so popular, and books like 'About a Boy' and 'The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time.'
DeleteI think your university tutor was probably very wise and there's so much truth in what he said. The challenge is in applying it, isn't it? A great post, Sheila, with a lot of honesty.
ReplyDeleteThank you Fran. The trouble with my tutor's observation is that it can apply in two diametrically opposite ways, depending on context. It can refer to people with low self esteem projecting their poor self image out into the world. Or it can refer to certain obnoxious people in the world (like He Who Must Not Be Named, who stood in front of that church holding the bible in a peculiar way). In his case there are many people who take him at his own bizarre valuation of himself. Hopefully a significant majority see through his deluded self-evaluation.
DeleteIndeed. After that stunt, I think nearly everyone does.
DeleteI used to be that girl, Sheila. A great blog, very moving.
ReplyDeleteThank you Ruth. Later on, I might blog about the revelation that finally moved me away from 'being that girl'!
DeleteWhen you feel brave enough, please do! I'd love to hear more
DeleteThank you Sheila, I really enjoyed your post. Personally, I think there is a lot to be said for someone who holds themselves back before jumping in, someone who is a thinker, someone who isn't over confident and who listens well. Quite often people like that make better writers as they have the ability to translate their true feelings into writing which gives it a good, meaty substance. By the way I really enjoyed your book, 'A Passionate Spirit.' I will get around to reading your next one.
ReplyDeleteI was so pleased to read your comment Nikki, as I remember well your book on a similar subject, with which I identified so strongly. I'm glad you enjoyed A Passionate Spirit. When you do read Mystical Circles, think of it as a prequel to the events of A Passionate Spirit.
Delete