A poem about punctuation - by Fran Hill


Punctuation passion




I don’t run charity marathons. I wouldn’t get that far.  
When I jog, worms speed past me. And jogging strains my bra.
I’ve never built a hospital in rural Kazakhstan.
I ought to give to chuggers, but dodge them if I can.

There’s one cause I’m supporting. I do it for the nation.
Apostrophes. I love them. My favourite punctuation.
They do for me what Clooney does. I go weak at the knees.
I sob if they are put among the carrot’s and the pea’s.

Some say they’re so old-fashioned in can’t and won’t and I’m,
that soon they will be obsolete, forgotten in no time.
They cite the case of Waterstones who dropped theirs. That was tragic.
I took weeks to recover, but the Prozac did its magic.

I may not bring the homeless or the lost back from the brink.
I search for lost apostrophes, replace them in red ink.
I’m not an eco-warrior, championing the rural.
I try to stop apostrophes arriving in a plural.

When lying on my deathbed, frail and nearly gone,
They’ll ask me of regrets. What did I wish I’d done?
I won’t say, ‘Feed the starving.’ I’ll say with my last breath,
‘Saved the poor apostrophe from inevitable death.’  




Fran is a writer and teacher (guess her subject ...) who lives in Warwickshire. Her new book 'Miss, What Does Incomprehensible Mean?' will be released by SPCK Publishing on 21 May this year. It's a funny but life-affirming memoir of a year in a teacher's life, written in diary form, and can be pre-ordered from SPCK or from Amazon or from Foyles. More about Fran and her work can be found at https://www.franhill.co.uk/ 





Comments

  1. A poem by Fran! A funny poem by Fran about punctuation!! Can my day get any better? (No, it can't. That was a rhetorical question). Yes! A thousand times yes! It causes me actual physical pain to see a poor apostrophe so misused. Thank you for starting my day off with a huge smile you wonderful woman you.

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    1. Thanks, Ruth! Happy to have started your day off well :)

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  2. Yes ! I too hate to see an apostrophe in a plural! Thank you for speaking out for those of us who feel strongly about this Fran. But here is my longstanding worry: is it now perfectly alright to write 'alright' instead of 'all right'? I don't think it's alright at all. But you're an English teacher so you will know the absolute truth about this won't you?... please..

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    1. Hm ... I'm still with 'all right' but I fear it's going the same way as the poor apostrophe! HOLD ON TIGHT, SHEILA!

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  3. Thank you, Fran! I loved your poem. Long live the correct use of the apostrophe!

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  4. Love it! Send it somewhere - the Apostrophe Protection Society perhaps? (Does that exist?). As for SC's inquiry, 'alright' is an accepted alternative, but I still prefer 'all right'. And 'alot' is an abomination.

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    1. Alas, Veronica, the Apostrophe Protection Society has closed down, admitting defeat :( If you google it, you'll find out more. As for 'alot', arrrrgggh! Same goes for 'aswell' and 'incase' and other horrors. I teach 16/17 year olds all the time who claim 'No one's ever told us these were wrong!' - I'm sceptical about this, but they seem sincere ...

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  5. Thank heavens we all have this safe space to vent our horror at these crimes against grammar. 100% agree with all of the above, ladies.

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  6. PS My Predictive Text is crazy about putting apostrophes where they don't belong... does any else's (on their phone) do this dastardly deed when you're writing texts/e-mails? Possibly the source of the "I didn't know it were wrong, Miss" comments? (But then, 'were' is wrong, there, too - so where do we start?!)

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  7. Yes, I have to refrain myself from correcting other's grammar on Facebook, as it usually unleashes a torrent of abuse from other posters telling me I am a "grammar Nazi". I am currently struggling with grammar in my TEFL course. I use it every day, but I had no idea it was so complicated!!
    PS. I hope I used that apostrophe correctly above, or I will feel silly! :D

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  8. Brilliant, Fran! Please could we have more of your poem's?

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  9. Utterly fabulous! Loved this so much. Yes, more please. More!!

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  10. Love this 'tongue in cheek' poem, Fran. So clever and funny. Well done.

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  11. I am a grammar expert's nightmare. Used to drive my colleague mad by mixing up been and being. Now I have the weekly trauma of pesky apostrophes! These one's ' keep turning up in my work instead of these nice curly ones ’.

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