The voice of our feelings
One of the most profound verses in the Bible is also the shortest. 'Jesus wept' (Luke 11:35) I tend to be rather more detailed in my own writing so I find the shortness and abruptness of that statement deeply engaging. It invites me to identify with Jesus' sorrow, his friends sorrow too and to thus put a handle on my own.
It's a tremendous privilege to be able to use words to express things that many can find no outlet for. I'm in a season of loss at the moment, missing my mum who died a year ago this week and also missing my lovely retired Hearing dog, Goldie who was put to sleep last Thursday. I have wept and still am weeping as memories suddenly catch me. I see his picture on the wall and feel the ache of loss. Friends reminisce and I feel the prickling of tears and my words thicken in my throat. 'He was just a dog,' some may say and in a similar way we can try to make small every person's heartbreak, but words help us convey what that heartbreak means to us. 'Jesus wept' writes Luke; and with those words I am there at Lazarus' tomb, feeling the heart break of all his loved ones and of Jesus himself. I can feel the tears clogging his nose, his breath gasping, the pain tearing at his ribs. Words shared so succinctly; 'Jesus wept' yet with such power. Words are powerful to clothe the unformed emotions, the dull weight of loss, the fountain of wonder and exhilaration, the flying surge of love, the prickle of guilt. Our nameless fear that maybe God is NOT there after all, we find cried out by Jesus himself, 'My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?' (Ps 22 & Matt 27) Why indeed? But with Jesus having expressed our deepest confusion in words that had in turn been written by someone else, we find substance given to our own heart cry. I miss my mum so much, more now than when it happened.. I gaze through the blurred glass of my memories to try to catch her smile, to feel her touch and to give her needed help. I feel the loss and the disbelief that she is gone. Jesus felt that too. 'Jesus wept' I know he knows and in that knowing I feel comforted.Mum, I miss you and your smile of welcome as I arrive. I miss your joy at being with family, tucking into a tasty meal, hearing news of those you love. I miss you but treasure the promise we'll be together again. GoldieYour cuddles brought me strength, your fun released me into smiles. Your cheekiness could exasperate but will always evoke laughter. How I miss you and your need to always be number 1. You were always truly yourself and that gave me courage to be who I am too. I loved you and always will and so do your retirement family and the friends you've made everywhere. I feel the tears and the heartache but welcome the smiles too because it's impossible to think of you without smiling. My Goldie.Tracy Williamson.
It's a tremendous privilege to be able to use words to express things that many can find no outlet for. I'm in a season of loss at the moment, missing my mum who died a year ago this week and also missing my lovely retired Hearing dog, Goldie who was put to sleep last Thursday. I have wept and still am weeping as memories suddenly catch me. I see his picture on the wall and feel the ache of loss. Friends reminisce and I feel the prickling of tears and my words thicken in my throat. 'He was just a dog,' some may say and in a similar way we can try to make small every person's heartbreak, but words help us convey what that heartbreak means to us. 'Jesus wept' writes Luke; and with those words I am there at Lazarus' tomb, feeling the heart break of all his loved ones and of Jesus himself. I can feel the tears clogging his nose, his breath gasping, the pain tearing at his ribs. Words shared so succinctly; 'Jesus wept' yet with such power. Words are powerful to clothe the unformed emotions, the dull weight of loss, the fountain of wonder and exhilaration, the flying surge of love, the prickle of guilt. Our nameless fear that maybe God is NOT there after all, we find cried out by Jesus himself, 'My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?' (Ps 22 & Matt 27) Why indeed? But with Jesus having expressed our deepest confusion in words that had in turn been written by someone else, we find substance given to our own heart cry. I miss my mum so much, more now than when it happened.. I gaze through the blurred glass of my memories to try to catch her smile, to feel her touch and to give her needed help. I feel the loss and the disbelief that she is gone. Jesus felt that too. 'Jesus wept' I know he knows and in that knowing I feel comforted.Mum, I miss you and your smile of welcome as I arrive. I miss your joy at being with family, tucking into a tasty meal, hearing news of those you love. I miss you but treasure the promise we'll be together again. GoldieYour cuddles brought me strength, your fun released me into smiles. Your cheekiness could exasperate but will always evoke laughter. How I miss you and your need to always be number 1. You were always truly yourself and that gave me courage to be who I am too. I loved you and always will and so do your retirement family and the friends you've made everywhere. I feel the tears and the heartache but welcome the smiles too because it's impossible to think of you without smiling. My Goldie.Tracy Williamson.
Beautiful, and so well put! Grief is a strange thing, where it can suddenly catch you unawares. Having our own Goldie for nearly 3 years now, I totally understand. Dogs teach us so much, and having four children with trauma backgrounds, Goldie has been amazing and healing for all of us. Your lovely post has been a great help today, putting things in perspective.
ReplyDelete'The dull weight of loss' captures something I haven't heard expressed before and somewhat stopped me in my tracks. I'm still letting it sink in as I write these words. A very moving account.
ReplyDeleteMe too
DeleteThis is so moving, Tracy. Thank you for opening up your heart to us, and providing a voice to those of us who sometimes don't know what to say.
ReplyDelete'Words are powerful to clothe the unformed emotions, the dull weight of loss, the fountain of wonder and exhilaration, the flying surge of love, the prickle of guilt.' Wonderfully expressed, Tracy. Grief is a difficult landscape. Praying for you as you mourn your mum. And, no, our sweet pets aren't 'just dogs or cats' etc. They are beloved furry companions, and they are not long with us on this Earth.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful words dear Tracy which express your heartache so perfectly. I’m so sorry for your double loss but I know you will treasure those memories which will help to heal your heart. 💜
ReplyDelete