Change

My children dislike change immensely. A big change is almost better than a subtle one, it seems. Like us going to see the ballet last December. Same venue as the year before, same time, almost same seats. Different music, different costumes, different ballet... So we ended up in Meltdown City. (What had I been thinking?!)

I like change, I’m sure of that. A new year starts with new notebooks and planners ready for January. Just looking at the blank, pristine pages helps me to feel I’m a writer, and I live in hope that those wonderful opportunities will somehow turn me into a word smith. (No, I don’t hold out any hope for doing crosswords, I can’t even do them in Dutch, let alone in English!) Maybe the newness of the pages will help me to spell necessary without trouble, or remember if it’s apartment or appreciate that has the double p.

The year spreading ahead of me, marked out in my wonderful new planners and notebooks, Reading Challenge accepted with even some titles pencilled in already... Yes, I love change. Until by the end of the month I realise that really it’s same old, same old. New notebooks don’t change who I am, they don’t turn me into a writer. My planners are great, apart from when things don’t go according to plan.

And sometimes I have to admit that I dislike change even more than my children do. Last Friday I was at the funeral of someone I held very, very dear. I miss him, and the fact he is no longer with us is a change that hurts so much. It reminded me of other friends and family who have died, and each time it reminds me how much I hate change. You see, I can tell myself that life is wonderful, this earth is incredible, until reality hits. It’s a sin-sick world, and life is often full of sorrow and loss. Even my four amazing children prove that to me. Adoption is amazing, but it’s a story of grief, loss and trauma at the same time.

Rather than have a meltdown myself, I reminded myself that maybe we’re not made for change. Maybe the changing scenes are to point us to the Lord, the One who promised that yesterday, today and forever Jesus is the same. He is the One that has always been there, will always be there too. Maybe my longing for change, the disappointment when by this time of the month I realise that really this January is in many ways the same as previous Januaries....

  • Maybe it is all to remind me that my heart should find rest in God, rather than in new notebooks, planners, writing projects and resolutions. Maybe my Bible is the best planner I have after all! As Augustine said, “Thou hast made us for Thyself, O Lord, and our heart is restless till it finds rest in Thee.”


(I still love my notebooks though, and by the end of this first month I’m still thinking of ways to use them...I might even need a new one, as it’s my birthday in a few days!)

Comments

  1. "A sin-sick world." What a phrase, Maressa. And yes, this is all true. We think we embrace change, but we humans aren't fans when it comes down to it. This is a beautiful thing to wake up to. I'm a sucker for a new notebook too. It does make you feel like a "proper" writer.

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    1. Thank you! Yes, I just love the idea of change, something new or different...until I get my wish... As someone told me, "Be careful what you pray for!"

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  2. Are any your children by any chance on the autism spectrum? My Aspie son was always fine with multiple changes of school, but say 'It's time to go out now, put your shoes on' and we would have total meltdown!

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    1. My four are adopted, and the older two have "attachment issues" which can look like autism at that age, but can improve, and it has. We used to have huge meltdowns at every change and transition...it astonished me how many changes and transitions a day has...

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  3. Lovely, reassuring post Maressa. Thank you! It fascinates me how much we both long for and resist change. I think your conclusion is the key ... 'Maybe the changing scenes are to point us to the Lord, the One who promised that yesterday, today and forever Jesus is the same. He is the One that has always been there, will always be there too.' So very true and great to be reminded of :)

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