Chocolate-deficit syndrome, and other problems writers face

 Nowadays, we’re always being reminded how important it is to look after ourselves. Magazine editors commission articles entitled The fitness routine you’ve been looking for* and Eat yourself healthy in seven days, while social media gurus lure us in with the promise of the perfect lifestyle.

 

This applies to writers as much as anyone else. I’m sure we all know that one author with pallid skin, crows’ nest hair and permanent hand tremors. While this could simply be the result of not sleeping/showering/emerging during daylight hours** for a fortnight, there are other, more serious, conditions that the writer needs to watch out for.

 

So, with that in mind, below is a guide to some of the health issues a writer may face.

 

Error-induced hysteria: an episode of uncontrollable wailing when you realise you’ve made a typo exactly three seconds after you hit the “submit” button. (Sometimes flippantly know as I-can’t-believe-I-missed-that-itis.)

 

Hypo-caffeination: a zombie-like state resulting from not consuming sufficient coffee before starting work.

 

Hyper-cleaning disease: the sudden urge to clean the house when you have a deadline looming.

 

Character-driven insomnia: a lack of sleep due to arguing every night with your protagonist into the wee small hours. This not infrequently leads to …

 

Separation anxiety: an overwhelming sense of isolation when your characters refuse to speak to you at all.

 

Chocolate-deficit syndrome: an inability to function properly due to your significant other/children/boiler repair man eating all the chocolate biscuits in the house.

 

Red pen melancholia: the feeling of despair when your editor asks you to cut another 1000 words from your already pared-to-the-bone manuscript.

 

The good news is that – while all of these are common afflictions – most can be treated effectively with the judicious application of tea/coffee, sweet treats and/or a large glass of merlot. Loved ones can also help by avoiding unnecessary phrases such as “You don’t seem to have written much today” or “I think you’re taking this too seriously”. It’s much better to keep it simple – “Would you like me to put the kettle on?” is usually a safe bet. Talking therapy (meeting with other writers to have a good moan) is also beneficial.

 

Finally, try not to worry – and please look after yourselves.

 

*This is surprising, as I have never knowingly looked for a fitness routine.

**Delete as appropriate.

Fiona Lloyd is a member of the Association of Christian Writers and writes regularly for Together magazine. Her first novel, The Diary of a (trying to be holy) Mum, was published by Instant Apostle in 2018. Fiona also works for Christians Against Poverty.

 

Twitter: @FionaJLloyd & @FionaLloyd16