This is my story, by Veronica Zundel

A couple of months ago I read an online article in The Guardian by Terri White about her experience of writing a memoir (https://tinyurl.com/yrdefymm). Her story covered, in her own words: 'poverty, self-harm, physical abuse, sexual abuse, anxiety, depression, dissociation, suicidal ideation, alcohol and drug abuse, and being sectioned in a New York psychiatric ward'. Well, our own stories won't necessarily contain such a litany of suffering, but memoir remains one of the most popular writing forms for Christian writers, and also one of the most popular reads for Christian readers. And as I read her piece, I was just about to begin once more writing my own memoir, focused on my family's Holocaust background and my brother's mental illness and suicide, and their long term effect on me.

Ms White's experience encompassed not only the emotional cost of revisiting the most painful times in her life, digging out memories she'd suppressed for decades, but also the range of responses she got from random readers and critics when her memoir came out (one of the most hurtful reactions was 'Another one with Daddy issues'). Her article rang several bells with me, as I think one of the reasons (apart from doing a two year MA which took three years because I had cancer - again- in the middle of it) that my memoir had been on hold for six years, was that the trauma of my brother's illness and death and its aftermath was just too hard to face head-on. In fact I wrote a letter to the Guardian thanking the paper for Terri White's article and sharing that I was facing similar issues -- a letter which they published and even featured with a picture (not of me, just of a young woman on a sofa with a laptop...)

Writing the first half had been relatively easy, since (apart from the Holocaust bits) it had mainly been an account of my rather privileged and mostly happy childhood. Obviously it was harder once I got on to my brother's deterioration, and after writing the paragraph relating his death, I couldn't write another word for a week. But it turned out that writing the second half, the story of my life and struggles since, was even harder, since it seemed to consist principally of 'then I got depressed', 'then I recovered', 'then I got a new job', 'then I lost the job', 'then I got depressed again'...

Popular Christian memoirs often follow the format of 'my chaotic, addicted, traumatised life before I became a Christian', then 'my wonderful, fruitful, fulfilled life since I have been a Christian'. I'm not saying these writers are lying -- it's easier to write to a formula than break the mould -- but in my experience real life isn't often like that. And a memoir that edits real life into that shape is actually not going to be very interesting to read, though it may give us (probably false) hope.

So I want to make a plea for more honest 'life writing' - but also to issue a warning. All good personal writing is essentially written in blood, but when it comes to memoir, you may have to open several veins at once. And that's only the writing; if and when you get to publication, and are lucky enough to get reviewed, who knows what slings and arrows may be pointed your way? (and if it is an honest memoir, some of them will probably come from fellow Christians who don't often hold back with their criticism). To protect yourself, do as Terri White recommends: get one or two friends around you who will support you in the enterprise, and maybe respond to your early drafts, if only to sympathise. My work has been galvanized by doing an exhausting but excellent online course on memoir writing, run by Mslexia, the magazine for women writers, and several of us from one of the course's small groups have shared email addresses and are hoping to keep in touch to support each other.

Finally, if you are a fan of the wonderful Moomin books, you will recall that Moominpapa is occupied in every single book with the lifelong labour of writing his memoirs. He never actually finishes them. I can only hope your (and my) outcome will be better.

Moominhouse - image by Miki from Pixabay