Ghosting

“Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark.”

James 3: 5 (NIV)

You are probably very aware of the power of negative words – an insult, accusation, a bad review, a lie or a criticism may have left you with emotional scars. I imagine you do your best not to inflict similar wounds on others.

Those who use their words online to spark fires and wreak havoc (usually anonymously) we call them trolls. Many of us live in fear of trolls but at least we get to call them ‘trolls’ which makes us feel a bit better.

When I was 16, I had a job in KwikSave and I remember another kid causing total mayhem on his last day of work because he didn’t care about the repercussions- why would he? He was leaving. Two weeks later, a very shame-faced teenager came crawling back to ask for his old job again and do you think they gave it to him? He’d very effectively sparked a fire and burned a bridge behind him, thinking he’d never have to cross it again.

Recently, I’ve been thinking about about another modern term that is the opposite of trolling. It’s called ghosting. If you’ve heard the term and not understood, it’s not a new thing but simply a new way of describing a very old thing: ‘being ignored’.

Ghosting is deliberately withholding your words in order to send a message. And it can really hurt. You ghost someone who has offended you, upset you or not lived up to expectations. You might refuse to reply to a text or block someone’s number after a date or ignore someone’s emails.

For example, a fellow playground Mum once spent hours and hours painting benches in the school playground but now refuses to volunteer at school because none of the teachers said, ‘Thank you.’ They withheld their words (albeit not deliberately); she now withholds her time. Ghosted.

Sometimes it's more banal than that. My daughter was invited to a sleepover but when I tried to get in touch with the parent for more details, she didn’t reply to any of the texts or missed calls and ignored me when I tried to get her attention at pick up time. My daughter was deeply distressed wondering what it was she had done wrong. It took hours of crying, hugging and chocolate to get over it! We never got to the bottom of this and it remains a mystery.

Personally, I find ghosting incredibly unprofessional. Ghosting is lazy, it’s thoughtless, it’s rude, it’s hurtful and it burns bridges.

There’s so much more power in polite words like “Thank you, but no.” or “I’m sorry, that doesn't work for me but thank you for your time.” or “Forgive me, but that’s as far as it goes for me.”

Even though negative words can hurt and cause fires, most of the time, our words are gifts. They say ‘Hello!’, “I See you” and “You’re valuable”. 

So instead of ghosting, I would like to encourage the art of ‘parting on good terms.’ Perhaps a friendly ‘goodbye’, the thank you or ‘no, thank you’ email, or simply the polite acknowledgement of someone’s existence.

It’s time consuming, but not that much. It’s much less time consuming than trying to rebuild a burned bridge when it turns out you do need to cross it, after all.   

**CAVEAT** There might be a time and place for ghosting. For example, when dealing with trolls, most of us ghost. I think of Jesus remaining silent in front of the mocking Herod at his trial... which begs the question: Trolls versus Ghosts: which one would win in a video game?

Joanne Gilchrist is mother of 3 and runs the charity, Ruach Resources, which is the home of God for Kids app and the Animals of Eden Valley children's books. She also wrote the autobiographical "Looking for Love", "Next Steps to Following Jesus" for children and freelances for the SunScool app.