Soul searching

Hello, doesn't this monthly thing come around quickly? Just me? I had the shock of my life when I saw that it was nearly the 21st. (Actually, not the shock of my life, let's be honest. I am trying to curb my constant leanings towards hyperbole without much success so far.)

 Can I be personal with you? Do you mind? I am usually quite an organised person. I lead a small but busy charity, and we are all working very hard to keep the show on the road. If I didn't have some sort of planning-ahead gene, I would be crying a lot. My date on here comes around at the same time every month, yet I seem to be like those people who are surprised when Christmas arrives on the 25th of December and haven't saved for it.  I write a blog regularly, which may not be the most zeitgeisty thing to do, but it scratches my writing itch; I produce that as regularly as clockwork, and numbers seem to be going up. So why do I put this off?  I did a little bit of soul searching and came up with some thoughts. You may not feel anything like me. You may be thrusting and confident, and this may not be of any use at all. I can only apologise if that is so, but here we are.

• When reading this blog, I am often shot through with impostor syndrome. Everyone seems to be full of good ideas and wisdom, with works in progress or a long publishing history. I know that this has not fallen into anyone's lap, and people are working very hard to be in this position. 
• A regular date is a line drawn in the sand. It tells me that last month I was determined to have a go at writing something else - a bigger project using some notes that I had. I haven't started it.  (I have bought a very nice new notebook, though.) 
• My default position in life is to be hiding behind something or someone so I don't cause any trouble.  So, putting an opinion out there, in front of experienced authors, is quite difficult for me.

Does anyone else feel any of this? ANYONE?

Possibly just me. 

Sometimes I find it difficult to get back on the horse when it comes to something as self-propelled as writing, and, because I feel that sometimes God is giving me inspiration to write the things that I write, I feel like I have let him down as well if I don't do it. I can be a difficult person for God to reach sometimes, and he had to use weird methods. This week I was helping at Messy Church, and we were doing Moses and Pharaoh. My group made extremely excellent snakes from old socks (very clean but a bit manky. See above.). And I was reminded how an uncommunicative and stammering Moses was chased down and forgiven continually by God and told to stop thinking about his shortcomings and get on with it. 

To paraphrase the New Seekers (badly), all my writing life is a circle. I write. I don't write. I miss writing. I feel guilty. God nudges me. I write. 

I'm trying to keep going, though. I understand that you are all busy people. Thank you for reading my random thoughts. 

 

Lesley blogs at https://wrinklymartha.blogspot.com/ when she is not one of the thousands of people trying to keep essential charities afloat in the face of stringent cutbacks. Life is trying but rewarding in the main and I am grateful for it.